Here is an excerpt from What Color is Your Straitjacket? A Pocket Guide to Getting and Keeping a Job Without Going Wacko, soon to be available as an e-book.
Resumes — The Good, the Bad and the Ridiculous
Your resume needs to demonstrate your skills and how they can assist an organization in achieving their wet dreams. Here is a sample:
BEELZEBUB SATANOSKY
145 Fire Avenue, Underworld Village, TX
666-666-6666 reallyreallybad@aol.com
SKILLS
· Branding
· Speaking in tongues
· Recruiting politicians
· Creating and using torture devices
· Stoking fires
· Turning into a black pillar of smoke and killing people
ACCOMPLISHMENTS
· Initiated red and black as a fashion statement
· Generated fear in otherwise rational humans
· Developed torture management system, resulting in 95% torture rate
· Successfully bargained with former U.S. leaders to f*ck up the country
PROFESSIONAL HISTORY
President, Washington, D.C. 2000-2008
· Almost singlehandedly flushed an entire nation down the toilet
· Pretended to look for bad-ass weapons
· Vacationed
· Developed strategy for invading all countries starting with “I”
· Successfully maintained focus on golf game during national crises
· Delegated intellectually challenging tasks
· Mangled the English language, causing linguists throughout the world
to cringe in horror
· Waited for retroactive popularity to kick in
Senator, Washington, D.C. 1947-1957
· Created lists of thinking people and arrested them
· Encouraged grownups to tattle on each other to get out of trouble
· Caused massive unemployment among aforementioned thinking people
· Threw liberals in jail
EDUCATION
B.S. in Pitchfork Probing, University of Torture
