CBS awarded Charlie Sheen “Employee of the Year” today for his outstanding 
level of job performance and dependability, stellar work ethic, and teamwork. Former winners of this distinction are Kenneth Lay from Enron, Bernard Madoff of Bernard Madoff Investment Securities, and former U.S. President Richard Nixon.
When asked how he became such an outstanding employee, Mr. Sheen responded, “Winning, duh. ”
“I’m very honored to receive this f*cking award,” Mr. Sheen further commented. “I thank these idiots from the bottom of my tiger heart. Of course, I totally deserve it, since the rings around my Saturn molecules make me superior to all you earthling trolls.”
When co-star and esteemed colleague Jon Cryer was asked how he felt about Mr. Sheen’s award, he responded, “No comment.”
Happy April Fool’s Day.
Laurie Holman: Comedy Writer, Copywriter, Chocolate Connoisseur 
I hope to win such an esteemed award someday.
Good luck with that.
Very funny. I got half way through the article before I realized that it was April 1st. Good job.
thanks!