Posts Tagged ‘holiday humor’

Holidays are here
Santa has heartburn, big time
Too many cookies

Holiday snowflakes
Ice clings to silver flagpoles
A boy’s tongue is stuck

Santa Claus legend
He brings gifts to many homes
Put your mask on, Claus

Lights are dangling low
Cat short-circuits the wires
Oops — the house goes dark

Decorate the tree
Tinsel, lights, star on the top
Why big shiny balls?

Hanukkah Harry
Joins in lighting the candles
From six feet away

A virtual feast
Making cookies remotely
Imagine the taste

Biggest wish this year
The gift that keeps on giving
A vaccine for all

It’s almost that time — and Santa still has a lot of stuff to do before heading out Christmas Eve:

  1. Add a new list category: naughty — nice — atrociously evil
    and stupid political figuresweird santa
  2. Get those Odor-Eaters for his boots
  3. Remember that smartphone, so he can text Mrs. Claus from the road
  4. Practice his creepy laugh to freak out the reindeer
  5. Update his list of houses without chimneys
  6. Pack the Lactaid
  7. Program the GPS for “everywhere”
  8. Remember the reindeer poop bags
  9. Make sure his insurance is up-to-date in case he crashes
  10. Buy a carton of Sharpies for the White House

 

A little-known holiday secret is that Santa’s reindeer were not the original crew. The first group was fired. Here are some haiku to tell their story:


Stinker the reindeer

Had hygiene issues, it’s true
Hold your nose tonight

Cramper was fired next
Could only work once a month
Christmas Eve or notSanta's not pleased

Klutzer really triedreindeer splat
But tripped over his own hooves
Kept crashing the sleigh

Shmutzen loved carpets
Had lint all over his fur
Gave Claus sneezing fits

Wobbler drank a lot
Couldn’t fly in a straight line
It was a problem

Puker, poor Puker
For quite obvious reasons
Didn’t last too long

Stupid was confused
Why work on a holiday?
They tried to explain

Svitzen splattered sweat
All over everybody
The sleigh smelled like mold

Last of all, Foodolph
Beat Santa to the cookies
Every single time

 

Check out Explode, a comedy thriller/mystery novel. Spontaneous human combustion, or murder?