Today has been declared Hire a Slob Day. Employers have agreed to give 
hiring preference to unwashed applicants with stains on their clothes, bedhead and hanging shirttails. The time it will take to get a job offer is inversely proportional to the time that has elapsed since you last took a shower.
The decision to implement this initiative to hire the slovenly has been reached after much debate and a near government shutdown.
Just kidding. Happy April Fool’s Day!
This is actually re-posted from last year, with additions (I thought of 5 more reasons).
1. Employers ARE hiring, despite the common misconception that everyone’s in Bermuda.
2. There’s less competition since a lot of job seekers think everyone’s in Bermuda.
3. It’ll keep your momentum going, and make it less likely you’ll hop into a bathtub full of water and plug in your electric toothbrush.
4. All those holiday parties are great opportunities to network. And scarf down free food.
5. You’ll soon get sick of staring at the TV and watching Jimmy Stewart have a meltdown.
6. A lot of companies start their fiscal year in January, so they want to get the newbies in there as soon as all the holiday crap is over.
7. There’s always the chance a manager could be inspired to hire you while snockered on spiked eggnog.
8. How many times can you listen to songs about homicidal reindeer?
9. The hiring manager is more likely to bring you on-board out of holiday spirit despite the embezzlement charges.
10. Job search can generally be more fun during the holidays, since a lot of people are jollier than usual. Not me, but a lot of people.
Check out Explode, a comedy thriller/mystery novel. Spontaneous human combustion, or murder?
While lying on a job interview is a bad idea, that doesn’t mean the Job 
Interview Police will come after you with handcuffs and an electric prod if you don’t reveal every little snippet of info related to your work history. Contrary to popular belief, a job interview is not an interrogation. It’s more like a first date. If you were on a first date, you wouldn’t chatter about the time you spent in the psych hospital because of your breakdown after your stalker ex-boyfriend came after you with a serving fork, would you? Hope not.
By the same token, don’t talk about the stuff the employer doesn’t need (or necessarily want) to hear in an interview, either. Here are a few tidbits to keep to yourself:
1. It’s a good way to network, which is a much more effective job search strategy than staring at the computer screen for eight hours a day and indiscriminately spewing your resume out into the Lost Dimension of Job Seeker Infinity.
2. Oprah’s history anyway.
3. You’ll actually get some valuable info about what’s going on in your field of interest, and won’t have to keep listening to your whiny frenemies who keep saying, “There’s nothing out there.”
4. You can officially slap the aforementioned frenemies upside the head for being negative.
5. You’ve been spending too much time on the couch in your bathrobe, and you’re starting to smell.
6. You’ll get info on what skills you need to be competitive, so you can emphasize those skills in your resume and cover letters, and/or brush up on the ones you’re shaky on.
7. It’ll keep you in the game. ‘Cuz once you’re out, that fence is hard to climb over, and you don’t want to get your doinker caught in those wires on top.
8. You’ll be interacting with actual humans.
9. It’ll keep your confidence up, and give all those “talents I have to offer” thoughts long-term storage space in your head.
10. You can actually get real live smokin’ job leads that way.
Interviewers still occasionally try to see how creative they and you can be with 
“Think on Your Feet” (and sometimes on your head) interviews. What is a “Think on Your Feet” interview, you ask? Well, remember the movie “The Running Man” (yes, with your good buddy and mine, Ahhhhnold), which depicted a sadistic game show in which criminals were hunted down by professional stalkers? Well, it’s not like that.
Here are a few wacky “Think on Your Feet” interview questions:
In an interview
A sense of humor is good
Sex jokes, not so much
Be yourself, sort of
But not your fetishist side
No staring at feet
If you swear a lot
Don’t “f*ck” in an interview
Three blocks down’s okay
If you’re cynical
Try to curb the sarcasm
The job’s not Snark Queen
Are you religious?
Don’t bless the interviewer
Unless she sneezes
Weirdness can be cool
Just stay out of Crazy Town
Until you get home
No, I’m not referring to the ones who act like arrogant spoiled brats, barf on 
the Ritz ballroom floor when they were supposed to be on set an hour ago, and make their assistants clean it up. I’m talking about the classy ones who know what they have to offer, while respecting their colleagues’ roles in their work performance.
1. Ooze confidence. We all have our insecurities, but do you think Angelina Jolie ever stammers to a director, “I don’t really deserve this role, but I’ll guess I’ll give it a try if you really want me to”? Doubt it. You know what your strengths are, and you know how you can be an asset to a company. So own your power – even if you don’t have lips the size of Buicks.
2. Focus on the mutual interaction, not just yourself. You’re not a prisoner being interrogated by a fascist threatening torture. Nor are you a one-woman show. A job interview is a mutual-benefit encounter. If Jake Gyllenhaal just recited his lines without paying any attention to his co-star, he’d probably be selling ties at WalMart by now, no matter how hot he is.
3. Dress the part. Think Ashton Kutcher shows up for a screen test with unwashed hair and morning breath? I’m thinking no. Unless, of course, he’s reading for a part as a homeless person. Dress for the interview; make sure all body odors are unobjectionable.
4. Respect your potential costars. Don’t keep them waiting, explore how you can work together to produce a great whatever, and play nice.
5. Be a class act. You don’t need to be super-formal unless you’re that kind of person, but be professional. If you have to wait for the interviewer, don’t whine. And no tantrums allowed.
1. If you have big yellow sweat stains on your shirt, your first will be your last.
2. You don’t want to just blurt out anything that comes into your head.
3. An hour late — not good.
4. Sizing each other up is what it’s about.
5. Uncontrolled body noises are frowned on.
6. Preparation helps.
7. You don’t want to just blather on about yourself without giving a flying toenail about the other person.
8. Grabbing a boob in greeting will probably get you thrown out.
9. If you whine about your ex, you’ll blow it.
10. If you call them by the wrong name, forget it.
If you’re not familiar with haiku, it’s a form of poetry that consists of 3 lines, with 5 syllables in the first line, 7 in the second, and 5 in the third. Here’re some about job interviews:
The manager asks
Did you used to be a blonde?
Illegal question
The phone interview –
I called the CEO Jane
“Uh, it’s Jim.” Oh crap.
Tough group interview
They fire questions at me
Don’t quit now, pit stick
Meeting with the boss
Focus on accomplishments
Ignore his foul breath
Maintain eye contact
Talk mutual benefits
Oops – looked at his crotch
Congratulations — you have a job offer! All those months (years?) of job hunting; sending targeted resumes and cover letters to hiring managers showing them how you can impale their nasty little dragons on the head of a spear; enduring the smirks of passersby on the street after a networking event because you forgot to take off your name tag. You’ve been offered the job you wanted and a salary that will allow you to pay your Verizon bill from 3 months ago and stop rationing toiletpaper.
Now what? Do you just take the salary that’s offered, ‘cuz you’re just so 
happy to have the job? Do you stammer, “Do you think maybe you could go just a wee bit higher?” I think you know the answer to that. Keep in mind that every job/salary affects your financial situation for years to come, probably for the rest of your life (how’s that for pressure?).
Here are some don’ts when it comes to negotiating salary.
Laurie Holman: Comedy Writer, Copywriter, Chocolate Connoisseur 